Le$$ons from the Great Cheaters
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A-Rod keeps A-Cheatin’

May 1, 2009

A new book claims Alex Rodriguez’ steroid use was long and proud.

The Cheater Says:
First of all, a book? You’re gonna believe a book? Books are written by losers.
Second of all, good. A-Rod should have been doing ‘roids from puberty to Yankee glory. It’s called “commitment,” people!
Third, he allegedly sold out teammates to improve his own performance. Brilliant! Remember, aspiring cheaters: We’re not here to make friends, we’re here to make money.

A-Rod’s only mistake in this whole thing was admitting he took ‘roids in the first place. Remember that?


Filed under: Advice,News,Video — @ 7:35 am



A Cheat by any other name, would still smell as AIG

April 30, 2009

A big unit of AIG is changing it’s name to avoid being linked to the bad rep.

The Cheater Says: Of course! Classic sleight of hand.
What’s good for the Arthur Andersen (er, Accenture), Philip Morris (uh, Altria), and Diebold (nee, Premier Election Solutions) is good for the gander (AICheat).


Filed under: News — @ 12:43 pm



The Cheat-ury Department

April 29, 2009

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner loves the financial industry.

The Cheater Says: Well, duh. He’s got the power of the purse, and Great Cheaters embrace people in power, marry people in power, or become people in power.

They say “‘Time’ is money,” but really, “‘Power’ is money.”
Just remove the “powr” (pronounced “poor”) and add “Tim.”


Filed under: Advice,News — @ 11:10 am



Grand Old Cheater

April 28, 2009

Longtime Republican Senator Arlen Specter joins the Democrats.

The Cheater Says: Nice!
Join an already winning team (thanks, probably, to some financial and power-related inducements). Cha-ching!
Do so at a time and in a fashion that will make them forever in your debt. Cha-cha-ching!
Establish yourself as the sole powerful middle-of-the-road guy who can be $wayed by each and every lobbying firm in the nation. Cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching-a-ling-a-ding!
Welcome to $pectertown, DC. Population: You


Filed under: Advice,News — @ 11:00 am



The House that Cheat Built

April 27, 2009

Do you like baseball?

The Cheater Says: Build a $1.5-ish billion dollar taxpayer funded stadium, charge those same taxpayers $2600 to see a game (plu$ “food”) don’t create the promised park for local kids (because they’re poor), give your cheaters, er, “players” hundreds of millions of dollars, and then, just to rub it in, continue to suck.
Now look around. Guess what? You’re rich!


Filed under: Advice — @ 8:01 am



Get Rich Cheating Tour Dates!

April 23, 2009

Here’s a sneak peak:

Come one, come all, come Get Rich Cheating. Readings, signings, shows…
Contact me for more details.

May 26 – “Get Rich Cheating” in bookstores near you!
May 26-30 – San Francisco, Stand Up at the Punchline, 8pm (10pm F/S)
May 30 – S.F., Border’s, Stonestown Galleria, 2pm
June 2 – Los Angeles, M Bar 7pm
June 5 – Denver, Tattered Cover, 7:30
June 10 – NYC. BIG HUGE BOOK PARTY (& show) Caroline’s on Broadway
June 17 – Philadelphia, Milkboy Cafe (8 pm)
June 18 – Port Washington NY, Port Washington Library, 7pm
June 22 – Boston, Border’s downtown, 1pm
June 23 – Portsmouth, NH, River Run Bookstore (7 pm)
June 25 – Turner’s Falls, Mass, Rendezvous, 7 pm
July 9 – NYC, Barnes & Noble (18th/5th ave), 6pm
July 16, 28, 30 – NYC, East To Edinburgh Festival, 59E59 Theaters, 7/9pm
July 22 – NYC, Caroline’s on Broadway, 8pm
Aug 7-30 – Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Scotland. The Stand.
Sep 30- Washington, DC, DC Arts Center

More dates added soon, including Washington DC, & Boston again. Austin, Chicago, & Seattle remain hopeful longshots…


Filed under: News,Shows — @ 8:29 pm



Who Cheats The Cheatmen?

The Watchmen” was horrible. Sorry. Just was.

The Cheater Says: Of course. But you paid $12 to see it, didn’t you? Classic cheating move: Tons of hype, a heaping of cartoonish violence, a skoosh of latex… heat to a boil, and BAM! Millions. Good work, Hollywood. I’ll see you at “Transformers II.”


Filed under: News — @ 11:41 am



Cheat Green to Get Green

April 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day!

The Cheater Says: What a perfect day to scam the wealthy, gullible, and guilt-ridden!

Claim whatever you sell is “Green” and charge a premium for it.

Lululemon claimed their expensive high-end athletic wear was made from seaweed… it wasn’t, but at least the money they cheated themselves was green.
(Oh, and yes, you do look fat in that).


Filed under: Advice,News — @ 6:28 am



Easy Cheatings

April 21, 2009

“Debt Settlement Firms Offer Promises but Little Help”

The Cheater Says: That headline should read “Wise cheaters take advantage of ignorance and despair to make millions” with a subheading “because they’re awesome.”
If you can’t find someone to scam out of their last remaining pennies during these desperate days, then, well, I’m not sure I can help.
Okay! Kidding! I can help! I love you. Buy “Get Rich Cheating” and I’ll show you how to be just like Credit Solutions of America and their brilliant ilk (aka “br-ilk”).


Filed under: Advice,News — @ 10:26 am



Spinning Wheels out of Cheat-town

April 20, 2009

Cyclist Tyler Hamilton admitted taking a banned substance and retired.

The Cheater Says: Retired? What? Are you nuts?
Your cheating earnings barely register on the Lance Armstrong scale!
You satisfied with winning the Tour de Quit?
Get your balding-head, shrunken man-things, smashing-toy-truck-roid-raging arse back on the bike, claim it was a mistake, demand a retest, and go cheat yourself some more money!
NOW!


Filed under: News — @ 10:36 am



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