Leftover Cheats

May 18, 2009

Some leftovers from last week, while I try to ease into this week, 7 hours late…

AIG’s chairman asked for patience as it overhauls the company
The Cheater Says: Three to five years should be long enough to repay bailout money and/or get a nice house on an extradition friendly island.

“A leader of veterans is exposed as a fraud”
The Cheater Says: Manipulate vulnerable people in a way that shocks the conscience?
Cha ching!

Sarah Palin got a book deal.
The Cheater Says: Ah, politics and publicity, together again. If she can just plagiarize major portions of the book while taking steroids and selling her state’s pension fund, she’ll have a real winner.

Etcetera Etcetera Etcetera

“Doctor’s Study of Injured G.I.’s Made False Claims, Army Says”
“Lawyer Pleads Guilty in $400 Million Fraud Scheme”
“Former Executive at Monster Guilty”
and, of course,
Craigslist to remove “erotic services” ads… (That’s a different type of cheating).

Filed under: News — @ 12:26 pm

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Thanks CNBCheat!

May 15, 2009

CNBC.com’s “Bullish On Books” likes my book!

The Cheater Says: Of course they do. Tip to aspiring cheaters: Write* a book** and make millions***
* “Write” means in the Jayson Blair/James Frey totally made up and stolen style.
** “Book” means 150 point font and lots of unlicensed pictures to reach your publisher’s page minimum. No substance!
*** “Millions” means millions.

p.s. Thanks to Gloria McDonough-Taub at CNBC.com

Filed under: Advice,News,Reviews — @ 10:20 am

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Cheat-play

May 13, 2009

“Coldplay Accused Of Plagiarism… Again.”

The Cheater Says: Huzzah! Stealing ideas is a great way to make it rich… especially if you steal ’em from people too broke and obscure to make a fuss, i.e. other musicians.
Allegedly, Led Zepplin stole from unknown blues artists, Avril Lavigne and Miley Cyrus from untalented hacks, and I’m pretty sure “Oops, I did it again” was a rip-off of my 1984 cult classic, “Dangit, I spilled all over myself.”

Filed under: News — @ 10:57 am

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Roger Cheatmens

May 12, 2009

A new book gets on Clemens about steroid use.
Clemens denies it all again (this time with new excuses [“there’s heart disease in my family”]). Clemens is under federal investigation. Clemens rips the head off a toy doll.

The Cheater Says:
What’s with all these books about cheating? They stole my idea.
Ooooh, clever.

Filed under: News — @ 10:12 am

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Anti-Cheat Legislation? Nah…

May 11, 2009

“Administration Plans to Strengthen Antitrust Rules”

The Cheater Says: It’s okay, everyone. Don’t worry. You can still Get Rich Cheating.
1. Remember our philosophy: “The Can’t Catch Us All.” So True.
2. Anti-anti-trust operations are the cornerstone of our economy, and will never be shaken.
There’s a myth that the free market uses healthy competition and free-flowing information to bring supply & demand into an equilibrium where every baby is happy and every puppy romps in a field of squeak toys & kibble.
Truth is, babies turn into drunks who run over puppies with SUVs, and Great Cheaters collude to build subsidized industrial giants that are “too big to fail.”
So go about your business… of being the only business… doing business… in your business… and get rich.

Filed under: Advice,News — @ 10:58 am

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Soccer is to Football as Cheating is to Cheating

May 8, 2009

UK Lawmakers Made Millions with Expense Reports.

The Cheater Says: Brilliant! They got reimbursed for everything from houses and shopping to porn, and ginger snaps. Really, what’s the point of getting power if you’re not going to exploit it for per$onal gain?
Of course, those tightly-wound Brit officials don’t have the nerve to throw sex & drug parties like we do (Hello, Interior Department), but give ’em time.

Filed under: News — @ 8:56 am

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Manny Cheating Manny

May 7, 2009

Manny Ramirez busted for ‘roids.

The Cheater Says: I’m a Red Sox fan. Gimme a few minutes…
I guess I’m just really proud that Manny read my book.

Filed under: News — @ 2:48 pm

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The Fourth Cheat-state

May 5, 2009

The most effective enforcement of financial rules comes from business reporters.

The Cheater Says: Duh. That’s why we Great Cheaters have led a 40 year effort to discredit and bankrupt the media.
First label ’em “liberal,” then you make ’em blatantly right-wing and sensationalist (so know one believes any of it), then you buy ’em up and watch ’em die.
Hey, if they Russians can get rich without oversight, so can we.
“Better Dead Than Poor.”

Filed under: Advice,News — @ 1:14 pm

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Tax and Spend vs Don’t Tax and Cheat

May 4, 2009

The Republicans Don’t Want to Close Tax Haven Loopholes.

The Cheater Says: Good. Even if they close some loopholes, the Republican Party knows they can’t catch us all. Just ask Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes.
You can’t spell “making millions by cheating on taxes” with out “cheating on taxes.”

Filed under: News — @ 10:13 am

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Those look like a Cheat-cup

May 1, 2009

Miss California’s Breast Implants Paid for by the Miss USA Pageant.

The Cheater Says: Teamwork!
She cheats by faking her body, (ala steroids), in order to do better and make more money; and
The pageant cheats by helping her fake her body, in order to increase viewership, and make more money.
The two great cheats that cheat great together.

Filed under: News — @ 9:33 am

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