“Military Contractor On Trial For Buying Porn, Prostitutes And $100K Flag Belt Buckle”
The Cheater Sings: War! Uhn! Wha-a-t is it good for? De-e-fense contractors! I’ll $ay it again! War!
Le$$ons from the Great Cheaters
Got a cheating story? Send it in!
Tony Haycheat
July 27, 2010
BP Chief Costs Firm Billions, and the Ocean Its Life… Then Gets $18 Million Golden Parachute
The Cheater: Once again, everyone, once you’re a CEO, the strategy is to perform just poorly enough to get a really bitchin’ severance package.
See also, Eisner (Disney, $220 million), Nardelli (Home Depot, $210M), Raines (Fannie Mae, $148M), McKinnell (Pfizer, $213M), Satan (Heaven, $666M).
Cheat Upon Cheat
July 22, 2010
BP Claims Line is in action
The Cheater Says: Since this cheater has done so much for themselves, why don’t we do something for ourselves… and to them. Become these people with these claims:
• A blues singer whose life - wife done left me, job won’t pay, dog won’t fetch - actually seems pretty good. No motivation to sing.
• A comedian who really doesn’t think it’s funny any more. Wasted years of comedy training, now going into tragedy. Need money to start at sadness academy.
• The Mayans, for copyright infringement on their whole 2012-the-world-ends thing.
• Mike Brown, GWB’s head of FEMA during Hurricane Katrina. Loss of economic opportunity. Was writing a book, “How I Destroyed New Orleans and the Gulf.” Publisher backing out of deal.
• BP for lost money via the BP Claims Line.
Hall of Glory
July 19, 2010
The Mu$eum of American Finance has an exhibit about Great Cheaters.
The Cheater Says: They clearly stole the idea from me. Well played, Museum. Well played.
Rest In Cheat
July 13, 2010
George Steinbrenner Passes Away
The Cheater Says: Some “export/import” money, campaign donation controversy, spying on employees, bombast, purchasing of athletic championships, employment of steroid users, extortion of taxpayer-funded stadiums… sounds like a life well lived, and riches well cheated. A role model for us all.
You Say “Tomato,” I Say “Massive Financial Scam”
July 11, 2010
“Bank of America Says $10.7 Billion of Trades Wrongly Classified”
The Cheater Says: They were classified as “awesome.” Fraud, schmaud. Just a “whoopsie” that earned/saved/cheated the company enough money to fund all the teaching jobs cut this year. Yay!
Land Of The Rising Cheat
July 7, 2010
Japan’s Sumos In Gambling Scandal
The Cheater Says: Good strategy… be so ingrained in the national identity that your cheating will be hard to accept. (“Got it” - MLB, counting receipts). Also, be 500 pounds. (“Mmmf mmfff” - Prince Fielder, stuffing his face).
They’re On To Us!
July 6, 2010
“To Stop Cheats, Colleges Learn Their Trickery”
The Cheater Says: I’m not saying we should do everything in our power to outlaw and destroy these counter-cheating programs… but I’m also not not saying it. If you know what I’m not not saying.
The Father, The Son, & The Holy Cheat
“Priest, Stole $1.3 Million To Pay For Male Escorts”
The Cheater Says: Ooooh, all sorts of illegal, immoral, and fun in that one. Some sin, some thievery, a little debauchery. Nicely done.
Retroactive ImmuniCheat
June 28, 2010
The Supreme Court Narrows The “Honest Services” Law
The Cheater Says: Yes! This means Great Cheaters like Jeff Skilling, Ken Lay (may he pretend-to-be-resting in peace), Conrad Black, Blago, and the yet to be indicted are (more) free, to cheat what they want, any old time! Yes yes yes! We did it! We got our guys on the bench and they saw this through! Thank you Supreme Corp! U!S!A! U!S!A!
Oh, and the NRA gun rights ruling is pretty $weet, too. What a great day to be an American (corporation)!