Le$$ons from the Great Cheaters
Got a cheating story? Send it in!
A new book gets on Clemens about steroid use.
Clemens denies it all again (this time with new excuses [“there’s heart disease in my family”]). Clemens is under federal investigation. Clemens rips the head off a toy doll.
The Cheater Says:
What’s with all these books about cheating? They stole my idea.
Ooooh, clever.
“Administration Plans to Strengthen Antitrust Rules”
The Cheater Says: It’s okay, everyone. Don’t worry. You can still Get Rich Cheating.
1. Remember our philosophy: “The Can’t Catch Us All.” So True.
2. Anti-anti-trust operations are the cornerstone of our economy, and will never be shaken.
There’s a myth that the free market uses healthy competition and free-flowing information to bring supply & demand into an equilibrium where every baby is happy and every puppy romps in a field of squeak toys & kibble.
Truth is, babies turn into drunks who run over puppies with SUVs, and Great Cheaters collude to build subsidized industrial giants that are “too big to fail.”
So go about your business… of being the only business… doing business… in your business… and get rich.
UK Lawmakers Made Millions with Expense Reports.
The Cheater Says: Brilliant! They got reimbursed for everything from houses and shopping to porn, and ginger snaps. Really, what’s the point of getting power if you’re not going to exploit it for per$onal gain?
Of course, those tightly-wound Brit officials don’t have the nerve to throw sex & drug parties like we do (Hello, Interior Department), but give ’em time.
Manny Ramirez busted for ‘roids.
The Cheater Says: I’m a Red Sox fan. Gimme a few minutes…
I guess I’m just really proud that Manny read my book.
The most effective enforcement of financial rules comes from business reporters.
The Cheater Says: Duh. That’s why we Great Cheaters have led a 40 year effort to discredit and bankrupt the media.
First label ’em “liberal,” then you make ’em blatantly right-wing and sensationalist (so know one believes any of it), then you buy ’em up and watch ’em die.
Hey, if they Russians can get rich without oversight, so can we.
“Better Dead Than Poor.”
The Republicans Don’t Want to Close Tax Haven Loopholes.
The Cheater Says: Good. Even if they close some loopholes, the Republican Party knows they can’t catch us all. Just ask Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes.
You can’t spell “making millions by cheating on taxes” with out “cheating on taxes.”
Miss California’s Breast Implants Paid for by the Miss USA Pageant.
The Cheater Says: Teamwork!
She cheats by faking her body, (ala steroids), in order to do better and make more money; and
The pageant cheats by helping her fake her body, in order to increase viewership, and make more money.
The two great cheats that cheat great together.
A new book claims Alex Rodriguez’ steroid use was long and proud.
The Cheater Says:
First of all, a book? You’re gonna believe a book? Books are written by losers.
Second of all, good. A-Rod should have been doing ‘roids from puberty to Yankee glory. It’s called “commitment,” people!
Third, he allegedly sold out teammates to improve his own performance. Brilliant! Remember, aspiring cheaters: We’re not here to make friends, we’re here to make money.
A-Rod’s only mistake in this whole thing was admitting he took ‘roids in the first place. Remember that?
A big unit of AIG is changing it’s name to avoid being linked to the bad rep.
The Cheater Says: Of course! Classic sleight of hand.
What’s good for the Arthur Andersen (er, Accenture), Philip Morris (uh, Altria), and Diebold (nee, Premier Election Solutions) is good for the gander (AICheat).
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner loves the financial industry.
The Cheater Says: Well, duh. He’s got the power of the purse, and Great Cheaters embrace people in power, marry people in power, or become people in power.
They say “‘Time’ is money,” but really, “‘Power’ is money.”
Just remove the “powr” (pronounced “poor”) and add “Tim.”
