As Goldman Sachs prepares to testify before Congress, The Cheater offers a few proven tricks…
Previous Goldman Sachs advice here.
Le$$ons from the Great Cheaters
Got a cheating story? Send it in!
Sarah Cheatin’
How Sarah Palin Turned Nothing Into Million$
The Cheater Says: If being a beauty pageant runner-up, picked from obscurity by a creepy old man, then abandoning a powerful – but low-paying – job to exploit millions with speaker fees, book sales, and TV deals isn’t Getting Rich Cheating… then I don’t know what i$. Run, $arah, Run!
General Tsao’s Cheating
April 24, 2010
A Chinese publisher has made an offer to translate and publish “Get Rich Cheating” in China.
The Cheater Says: Will I sell out our national secrets, enabling The People’s Republic to gain wealth beyond reason, threatening our security, and surely condemning America to economic subservience? Just for money? Waddayouthink?
(Hint: Ye$).
They’re Real, and They’re SpectacuCheat
April 22, 2010
WellPoint uses computer program to eliminate coverage for women with breast cancer risk
The Cheater Says: Damn right! We gotta squeeze every penny out of the sick and powerless before this damn Obamacare prevents such creative cheating. You go, girl! (… right into uncovered intensive care).
The Spin Begins
Goldman’s Chief Says The Case “Hurts America”
The Cheater Says: Patriotism is the last refuge of the damned… and the first stop of a Great Cheater. Glad you’re finally taking my advice, ye of “God’s Work.”
Dear Goldman Sachs (Part 2): Spin, Baby, Spin
April 21, 2010
Spin this thing, Goldman, just like Great Cheaters Nixon (“When the president does it, that means it’s not illegal”), Belichick (“I misinterpreted the rules”) and Eve (“The snake made me do it”).
You weren’t “Lying bastards who profited from a secretive and unregulated market,” you were “Hedging your investments.”
The Cheater Says: Just some friendly advice to Stay Rich Cheating.
More to come and more here on AOL News.
Your Friends at the S.E.Cheat
April 19, 2010
“Report Finds Catastrophic Failure By SEC In Stanford Ponzi Case”
The Cheater Says: Wow, the underfunded, unappreciated, and disrespected enforcement agents were outwitted by the rich, slick, connected cheater who probably made more each hour than they make in a year? You don’t see that every day. Oh, wait. Yes, you do.
Hewlett-Cheatard
April 18, 2010
3 H.P. Employees Arrested in Germany in Kickbacks Case
The Cheater Says: Arrested in Germany in case involving Russian bribes? Sorry, Volcanic ash… you can stop the cheating!
Succes$tory: Carly Fiorina – now running for U.S. Senate – ran H.P. during these alleged crimes. In fact, she ran it so poorly they fired her, but, as any Great Cheater would, she got a $21 million severance package… and she’s a girl! (A guy would’ve gotten $24.2M).
5 Stages of Cheat
April 16, 2010
The Cheater Says: Hey Goldman, here’s a cheating tip, on the house (“first one’s free”).
Apply the 5 stages of grief:
DENIAL: “We don’t know what you’re talking about and we didn’t do it.”
ANGER: “We said We Didn’t Do It!!”
BARGAINING: “Oh, come onnnnn…”
DEPRESSION: “We’re upset you’d even think we did it.”
ACCEPTANCE: “It was Geithner!”