Le$$ons from the Great Cheaters
Got a cheating story? Send it in!
Ex-Aide to Hevesi Goes to Prison in Pension Fund Case
The Cheater Says: Why? Because he didn’t steal enough? You’re right, Judge, only steering half of the $10 billion specially assigned funds through his paid friends just wasn’t serious enough cheating. Shame on you, Hank Morris. Next time, scam the whole thing.
In for a nickel, in for $10 billion.
Bernie Madoff says the banks “had to know”
The Cheater Says: Yeah, sure, but they also “had to profit.”
Library Worker Steals $160,000 from Late Fees
The Cheater Says: Wow. $160k from late fees? From a “library”? That’s real money, at least, it’s real enough to seed some substantive cheating. You could use that to, like, say, start a child care service to leech off the state or, maybe set up a “health care provider” to defraud Medicare… The opportunicheats are endless!
Disney looking into the cradle for customers
The Cheater Says: What child doesn’t want to be stalked by a talking rat? They’re giving away free bodysuits to go along with Baby Einstein and hypnotic cartoons… Cheaters, it’s never to early to build brand loyalty / brainwash the innocent. Like my neighborhood drug dealer says, “First one’s free!”
Pentagon Paid Billions to Firms Which Defrauded Clients
The Cheater says: No, no, no, let a Senator say it:
“The sad truth is that virtually all of the major defense contractors in this country for years have been engaged in systemic fraudulent behavior, while receiving hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer money.”
Sing it: War! Uhn! Wha-at is it good for? Dee-eefense contractors. I’llSayItAgain! War!
Alberto Contador Gets Short Ban Because Bad Beef Made Him Test Positive
The Cheater Says: Bad beef? Why not? Sometimes, the craziest defenses win: Clemens “misremembered,” Tom Sizemore said the prosthetic penis found on him “wasn’t mine,” and Eve claimed that “the Snake made me do it.”
Chinese Corporations Traded in the U.S. Lie, Manipulate, Exploit… And Make Billions
The Cheater Says: These companies fabricate their financials, regularly restate earnings, take advantage of conflicted-of-interest auditors, give unwarranted loans to their execs, prey on desperate and ignorant investors, and often aren’t even operational companies at all. Wow. I am sooooooo proud. Remember last April when a Chinese publisher bought “Get Rich Cheating”? It’s finally paying off… for everyone. U!S!A! U!S!A!
Mets Owners Love Them Some Ponzi Schemes
The Cheater Says: When seeking out victims for your scam, always look to the desperate and needy. Who might be more desperate, needy, pathetic, and rolling-in-Citibank-money-they-can’t-waste-fast-enough than NY’s forgotten team? No one… So, you won, dear cheaters.
Judge: Sir Allen Stanford Incompetent To Stand Trial
The Cheater Says: Take note, aspiring cheaters. After you concoct a Ponzi scheme that makes you billions and gets you deified in Antigua, and you’re caught, and deny everything, blame others, attack the law, and plead the Fifth… never hurts to act wacko & plead insanity. Think of all the comfy padded rooms & free pea soup!
The last guy’s White House crossed some lines
The Cheater Says: Well, yeah. Duh. The NY Post & I told you that years ago…
